If I Lay Here
by DracoPotter80
Summary: Reader doesn't feel wanted anymore, she decides to do something about it. !WARNING! this is not fluffy or smutty or end with happiness, it goes into some vivid descriptions of cutting so please if you are not okay with that don't read this. Possible triggers.


**A/N: At the end of the of the story**

Boring. Stupid. Ugly. Worthless. All things swirling in your head as you dragged the rusty knife along the vein in your wrist, not breaking skin, but hard to enough to leave welts. You stared at the ugly red lines and smiled, it's just as ugly as the rest of you. You knew what would happen if you pressed down hard enough. You would die, simple enough, painless enough considering you don't feel anything anyways. Well, physically at least. The thoughts swirling in your head left you in quiet anguish.

All because of an asshole named Dean Winchester, well, that's not completely true. You struggled with depression for years and you thought it was finally under control but Dean had opened that can one too many times and you snapped. It wasn't his fault really, more like the abomination he had marring his arm. More commonly known as the Mark of Cain. That's what you tried telling yourself. It was the mark, not the man you were desperately in love with. But once again your mind was like a knife to your soul and it made you believe that Dean was tired of you and now he had an excuse to say the things he had.

Setting your knife down you looked around at the room you and Dean once shared, before everything went to shit. You leaned down to the mattress and inhaled the scent that was Dean Winchester, something that never failed to comfort you in times of need. At least that hadn't changed.

Picking yourself up you grabbed the knife again and ran through the bunker as quiet and quickly as possible. Once you got to the garage you hopped onto onto one of the many motorcycles, and pretended to not feel the stab of pain when you noticed the absent Impala.

As you pulled out of the garage rain pelted against your skin and the wind threatened to knock you off your bike. You drove and drove until the rode was no longer familiar and finally let some of the years you held at bay out. Mingling with the harsh rain that was soaking your clothes. After what felt like an hour a barn came into view and you pulled into it, glad to be out of the harsh environment.

The barn was empty and you knew you could be left in peace to do what everyone wanted you to do. Kill yourself.

It's such an ugly statement, which it should be. It's an ugly action that is selfish and stupid. But you were that anyways so why not? No one would miss you, they made that clear enough.

Since you were selfish you found the cleanest and driest corner of the damp building and laid down. You only then noticed that there were holes in the rusted roof when rain started splashing on your face. Not caring about getting wet, you pick up the knife trailing it across your palm, red blood and rust mingling. Hissing through your teeth you nearly cried. Not out of pain but happiness that your mind quieted down enough for you to feel the sting.

You closed your eyes. This was it. You were ready. You placed the blade against the skin of your arm pricking the tender flesh as your phone vibrated in your pocket. Groaning you picked it up and saw Dean's name flash blue. What could it hurt to pick it up, You were dead anyways.

"What Dean?" You asked hoarsely. "Where are you?!" He shouted at you, causing you to flinch. "It doesn't matter." You reply.

"Of course it matters. I'm so sorry (Y/N), I didn't mean any of it. It's the stupid mark. Please come back. " he pleaded and you closed your eyes. You expected this.

"Don't apologize Dean you finally said what you needed to. I forgive you and I love you."

"What does that mean?! (Y/N) you don't sound right. Where are you I'm coming to get you." In the background you hear the rumble of the Impala starting up.

"Dean don't, just know that I love you." You closed your eyes and hung up, ignoring the shouts from the other end of the call. Setting the phone off to the side and putting it on silent you reached once again for your knife. Smiling that you knew you could kill yourself without interruption.

In one fluid movement you flicked the knife vertically, blood pouring out of the wound pooling on the cold ground. The feeling was almost indescribable. You could feel. It was awful and painful and you wished it would stop. Burning and freezing all at once, fire starting in your veins and scorching all the thoughts in your fucked up mind. All you could do was writhe in anguish and wish it would stop. But then in an instant it erased and you cried out in relief. But then you realized you had made no sound.

You felt weight lift off your body and it suddenly felt like you were suspended in the air. Light and free. You picked yourself up and looked around everything was the same. Your first thought was that it hadn't worked, you had failed once again, but then you looked down and saw your lifeless body.

You saw it and felt empty. It shouldn't feel like this. You should be happy. You did what you set out to do. But why did it feel so wrong. In that instant you knew you had made the worst decision of your life. The life you had just ended needlessly. But unlike the other mistakes you had made this one was irreversible.

You dropped to your knees and reached out to touch your face when a rumble echoed in the distance. And you watched as Dean, soaked to the bone, came crashing in looking around frantically before he saw you. He ran, nearly tripping in the process to you. Shaking your shoulders and shouting your name. Begging you to come back. Saying how sorry he was.

You tried to touch him, comfort him like you had done so many times before be you slipped through his shoulder, and although you felt like it couldn't break anymore your heart broke all over again.

Seconds later Sam and Cas came running in, stopping suddenly at the sight before them. Dean Winchester sobbing into your lifeless body. Suddenly an old man with sagging skin and black clothes appeared behind them and walked towards you.

You recognized him, it was Death, a horsemen. Of course he came to take you, you were in league with the Winchesters, no ordinary reapers would do.

"Do I have to go?" You asked, looking in his soulless eyes, trying to find one scrap of humanity.

"I'm afraid so. You made this choice. You have to come with me." He said softly. And for a second you believed he cared.

"But, he needs me. They need me." You say as you walk to kneel in front of your fallen lover and his brother behind him, failing to try and convince Death to spare you.

"They will be okay. Your time has come (Y/N). You nodded and started to cry silently, wishing you could say sorry at least one more time. As if reading your thoughts Death waved his hand and suddenly Dean could hear and see you.

"(Y/N)" he asked "is that you?" He lunged at you, hugging you tightly whispering apology after apology.

"It's okay Dean. I forgive you. I love you baby," You choke out, trying to stay strong assuage some of Dean's pain that you know you caused.

"Why would you do this (Y/N)?" Dean asks Into your hair. "How do I go on without you?" Clutching him a little tighter you kiss his face.

"You'll never be without me Dean. I love you." You kiss him one last time then look to Sam who had come to be your best friend, who you knew you hurt as well.

"Keep him safe. I love you Sammy." You stepped out of the man you love's embrace and walked to Death, linking arms as if you were old friends. You would still mourn the loss of your life but you understood that you have to deal with the hand you had picked yourself. With one last glance at your boys you disappeared from sight and went to what you hoped was heaven.

The world seemed to shift once you disappeared, like all the air had been sucked out of it. Everyone felt it, yet no one said anything, nothing would sound right anyways.

They gave you a hunter's funeral. Filled with silent grief yet devoid of tears. Dean stayed quiet and stone faced until only the embers glowed bright before he left only minutes before dawn. Driving down the road back to the home you would never grace with your presence again he knew he would never understand why you did it and how he wished you hadn't but he knew he would see you again someday and was content to wait forever if only to see you one last time.

 **A/N: So this is my story, it's very rough but I haven't posted in a really long time and I wanted to put something out there. I do not have a beta so I'm sorry for the mistakes. Please let me know what you thought :)**


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